We finish the intense summer holiday period with the family… And we will start the routines of the work and school season.

In my professional experience, during the post-holiday period, some couples who were already unwell become aware of their discomfort.

After the summer, many people realise that their relationship is not going well and, depending on how they act, it can end in separation or a strengthened relationship.

Summer is a time of the year when we put a lot of expectations on ourselves, but when that doesn’t happen and the heat disappears, we start to realise that perhaps the situation is more serious than we imagined.

A couple crisis usually occurs when there are unresolved conflicts or accumulated anxiety and neither partner feels ready or strong enough to solve it. Over time, if communication or a solution is not forthcoming, the couple drifts apart and the relationship in the family structure can break down, leading to a de facto separation or divorce, not to mention the emotional impact of a contentious legal process on the family structure.

Throughout the relationship, all couples go through a series of phases that create particularly complicated situations that can lead to conflict.

The Systemic Model of Family Therapy, for example, refers to six stages in which a crisis is most likely to occur:

1. Formation of the couple and courtship, up to the birth of the first child.

2. Birth of the first child, until the inclusion of the last child in school.

3. From schooling to adolescence of the children.

4. From the children’s adolescence to leaving the family home.

5. Post-parental phase, in which what is known as “empty nest syndrome” may appear.

6. Retirement from active working life.

Surely in our life cycle, we identify ourselves in one of these stages and perhaps we don’t know how to overcome it?

“The most important thing is to know that the relationship is not right, to talk about it and to want to solve it together”.

Nevertheless, the crisis is not negative in itself. It is true that, on the one hand, it carries a certain amount of danger and anxiety, but on the other hand, it also represents an opportunity. When a couple goes through a crisis, they often experience moments of confusion, as the strategies they have used so far are no longer effective.

Seeking professional help and wanting to overcome the situation, as well as “Transforming” it, should be a maxim for the couple and family.

It is essential to have a space for oneself. First we must to be at ease with ourselves so that we can be at ease with our partner and our family structure.

It is important to a) identify the emotional process and how to deal with the break-up and the divorce at the same time and “No” to make it seem that the problems are not there…. b) Strengthen habits that reinforce emotional intelligence, positive communication.

Along the same lines, other consequences observed in children after exposure to marital conflict are: alterations in mood, feelings of insecurity, helplessness or isolation, irritability and aggressiveness, affected self-esteem and sense of personal worth, confusion, decreased concentration and performance.

Couple crises do not necessarily imply that a break-up will occur, but can be an opportunity for the relationship to consolidate and “transform” in a positive way for the family structure.

In fact, humility is fundamental for a relationship to work, not judging the other person from a position of superiority, but working on those personal characteristics that prevent the relationship from working.

After all, partnership also implies an opportunity for mutual growth.

On the contrary, relationships end for many reasons, whatever the reason, ending a relationship can be very difficult.

Family mediation, where a neutral third party (a professional mediator) will help you to reach agreements to reorganise your relationship as parents, to clarify and identify common interests and to negotiate satisfactory agreements for the whole family, especially for your children.

The aim is to find the most beneficial solution for all members of the family, including grandparents and aunts and uncles.

As a mediator, I try to obtain as much information as possible about the current family situation and the circumstances that have led to the approach of separation, according to the legitimate interpretation of each of the participants in the mediation.

As the emotional process progresses, in the next phase a negotiation will be established on all the issues to be addressed in this type of situation with the aim of reaching a consensual meeting point between the participants in the mediation.

This second stage will only be initiated if both partners are sure that they want to move forward to transform the conflict situation or to redirect it towards a possible separation or divorce.

“In situations of separation it is important to ensure that the intense emotional component that parents experience as a consequence of the process of elaborating their break-up does not permanently incapacitate them in the responsible, shared and adult exercise of positive parenting”.

The aim is not to create insurmountable barriers, at the height of the conflict caused by the separation, that would prevent the exercise of shared parental responsibility in the future.

When we talk about positive parental responsibility we refer to “the set of parental behaviours that seek the well-being of children and their integral development from a holistic perspective of care, affection, protection, enrichment, security, and non-violence, which provides personal recognition and educational guidelines and includes the establishment of limits to promote their full development, the feeling of control of their own lives, making it possible to achieve the best achievements in the family, academic, friends, social and community environment”. (Council of Europe Recommendation on Positive Parenting REC (2006) 19).

Any family change affects both girls and boys. Parental break-up entails a process of adaptation that can be more or less long and difficult for them. It all depends on how the parents approach their parental relationship after separation.

It is necessary to bear in mind that children should never be considered too young to be able to have an explanation for the separation of their parents. Children old enough to recognise the individual existence of each of their parents should be informed about the separation.

Children often do not openly express their distress, nor are they aware of the changes the new situation will bring. Therefore, parents should be clear and concise in explaining what is going to happen, and do so in a way that they can understand. The way will vary according to the age, maturity and understanding of each child, but the worst thing you can do is to lie to them, try to keep them in the dark or not talk to them about it at all.

Explaining the separation to children is a very difficult time, which is why there is often a great deal of resistance, which must be overcome through joint preparation by both parents.

As a mediator specialising in this area, there is no better recommendation than to find a space for active listening, calm in the face of conflict and, above all, respect for others.

Mercè Pomar
Lawyer and Mediator
contact@mercepomar.com