In recent years, many families have approached my practice as a FAMILY MEDIATION professional in search of support and accompaniment in parenting, when parents are in conflict and in the negotiation phase of divorce. Fortunately, more and more families are moving away from old social standards and are looking for new ways to deal with their children’s education in a more respectful way.

The Christmas period is often a cause of stress and anxiety. The biggest source of stress during the Christmas holidays is the family, mainly family meals, family obligations and family traditions.

Christmas is a holiday that is very much about reunions and being a separated or reconstituted family increases the chances of getting together with all the people in the child’s life, but at the same time it can be the opportunity for the biggest CONFLICT between parents.

Education must be respectful of children, yes; and, at the same time, it must also be respectful of the adults who form part of the family nucleus and of the situations that arise in our daily lives and even of those parents who mediate in the conflict for a future or foreseeable separation or divorce.

Organic Law 8/2021 of 4 June on comprehensive protection and protection of adolescents against violence.

“There is no cause that deserves higher priority than the protection and development of the child, on whom the survival, stability and progress of all nations and, indeed, of human civilisation depend. (Cumbre Unicef 1990)

The protection of minors is a priority obligation of the public authorities, recognised in article 39 of the Spanish Constitution and in various international treaties.

Among them, the Convention on the Rights of the Child, adopted by the United Nations General Assembly on 20 November 1989 and ratified by Spain in 1990, stands out. It also has three optional protocols and is developed through the General Comments of the Committee on the Rights of the Child, of which we highlight those concerning children’s rights.

a) to be heard b) not to be subjected to any form of violence c) the primacy of the best interests of the child.

If this is the first time you are facing this CHRISTMAS as a separated or reconstituted family, I would provide you with guidelines for accompaniment, with respect and empathy in this difficult process of transformation.

How to accompany change in an assertive way?

In this change of approach, the most difficult thing may be to unlearn everything learned so far, trying to neutralise the most emotional part, but it is also important to find alternatives to traditional educational tools, such as valuing (rewards or punishments) as an emotional negotiation whose objective is obedience without reflection. The great and infallible “common sense” is one of the ideas for dealing with this change.

That parenting is not easy is a fact! More and more people and families are becoming aware that traditional education, based on authoritarianism or emotional repression in which many parents have been brought up, is HURTFUL.

At the same time, we are aware of the things we did not like in our childhood and those patterns we do not want to repeat, but we are afraid of falling into the other extreme, into permissiveness, and falling into the other side of negligence as mothers and fathers. I always offer the formula that helps us to maintain that balance between kindness and firmness.

It is not about putting our children’s whims and desires above our beliefs or needs.

It is not about always saying yes to everything to our daughters. It is about finding ways to ensure that the needs of all members of the family are met respectfully.

It’s about treating them well, yes; and also about treating ourselves well as parents!

It is about stopping humiliating and controlling, yes; and it is also about stopping overprotecting and disabling!

-Giving the option to continue to share certain special moments between parents at Christmastime can be helpful, especially if the separation is recent, although it is only feasible if the relationship is good, and it is clear that the decision to separate is firm even if important moments with the children are still shared out of respect and with the intention of optimising maximum emotional balance.

-Learning to set respectful boundaries accordingly. And we will do this through the practice of good positive communication, without reproach, without blaming the child, avoiding authoritarianism and TRANSFORM, valuing useful and consensual solutions among the whole family nucleus.

-Separated or divorced parents are still their main points of reference in life, so it is important to keep children out of conflicts (if they exist) so that they can maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship with each parent.

It is important to always EASE CONTACT with the other parent while they are with one parent and make good and useful arrangements so that they learn good communication as a family.

Separation or divorce does not nullify the existence of the concept of belonging to a family structure, whatever it may be.

One last recommendation … Allow your child to grow up in a family where love and respect are always present.

“Make unforgettable memories this Christmas”.

Mercè Pomar
Family Mediator & Lawyer
Systemic therapy.